photograph of a modern proposal
A man proposing on the High Line in New York City

A marriage proposal is a custom in which one person asks their partner for their hand in marriage. If accepted, it marks the beginning of their engagement. Proposals range from intimate, private moments to grand, public gestures, and often involve an engagement ring and a heartfelt speech.

Norms and roles

Gendered customs and roles

In Western cultures, a proposal is traditionally made by a man to a woman, while genuflecting in front of her. The ritual often involves the formal asking of the question "Will you marry me, ...?" and the presentation of an engagement ring (often in a small velvet box), which he may place on her finger if she accepts.

Before proposing, a man traditionally asks permission from the father of the woman he hopes to marry. In modern times, it is often understood as a formality.

Majority of proposals in the United States and Australia are made by men. In patriarchal societies, proposals by women may not be taken seriously or treated as "real" proposals. Some women lead the marriage proposal in private, while publicly showcasing gender essential marriage proposal conventions.

Gender-egalitarian norms

When asked whether a woman doing the marriage proposal was acceptable or unacceptable, most respondents in the US and Australia said acceptable. Jewelry companies have begun to advertise engagement rings for women proposing to men. Folk traditions in countries including Scotland, Ireland, England, and Finland allow women to propose on leap days, sometimes with any man rejecting such a proposal being expected to pay a forfeit to his suitor, usually through a gift of clothing. Queen Victoria proposed to Prince Albert due to royal tradition in Britain that no one can propose to a reigning monarch.

Same-gender couples, to whom gendered proposal traditions do not apply, usually keep some elements of customary ritual while altering others. In some cases, there may be multiple proposals, and each partner may propose to the other.

Traditions

The proposal itself is often supposed to be a surprise, although in practice this is rarely actually the case. Surveys have found that most proposals are not surprises, and most wedding engagements begin with a conversation in which the parties mutually agree to wed.

Not all engagements begin with a proposal of marriage. Historically, many marriages have been arranged by parents or matchmakers, and these customs are still sometimes practiced in the modern day. Even when the decision to marry is made by the couple, it may not be communicated between them directly; for instance, in the traditional Japanese custom of Omiai, the formal decision to pursue marriage or to turn it down (Kotowari) is communicated between the couple's respective matchmakers.

Couples in many Christian denominations have the option of receiving the Rite of Betrothal (also known as "blessing an engaged couple" or "declaration of intention"), which often includes prayer, Bible readings, blessing of engagement rings, and a blessing of the couple.

See also

Further reading

  • Davis, Ernest, ed. (2020). (PDF).